While I’m a fan of St. Patrick’s Day for socially acceptable day-drinking, there are also a lot things that annoy me about it. For starters, it’s one of the two “amateur hour holidays,” when people who never go out decide to go crazy and crowd bars for the rest of us. The other holiday like this is of course New Year’s Eve – both tend to end up being a huge hassle and often times not as fun as they are in theory. The other awful part about St. Patrick’s is how people insist on wearing ridiculous shirts and outfits – so here are a few suggestions:

First, you should ONLY wear a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt if you’re actually Irish – for example if your great grandfather was one-third Irish, it’s a no go.   But knock yourself out if at least two grandparents were born in Ireland. Skip if you have a tan and black hair and no freckles.

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And do not wear some variation of the ever popular “F*ck/Kiss Me, I’m Drunk/Sh!tfaced” shirt unless you want people to wonder which Staten Island ferry you’re taking home because you’re obviously some B&T (non-NY’ers look it up on Urban Dictionary) meathead.
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So keep it classy and instead of this –
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Wear this –

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When it comes to sunglasses, these mint green Knockarounds ($14, http://www.knockaround.com) are perfect for both outdoor use and wearing obnoxiously (in a good way) inside.

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And while a bit pricey for something that you can only wear realistically once a year, this needlepoint Shamrock belt from Smathers and Branson ($165, http://www.smathersandbranson.com) will be well worth it for the looks of envy on your friends’ faces when they realized you just big-timed them.

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If it’s warm enough for shorts, these seafoam green “Three Commas” shorts from Chubbies ($49.50, http://www.chubbiesshorts.com) have a respectable inseam and aren’t like the clamdiggers and cargo shorts most stores sell now.

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For long pants, try these spring green “Picklebacks” chinos from Bonobos ($89, http://www.bonobos.com). And remember, just because Vineyard Vines/J Crew/Brooks Brothers may have some pair of hideous green seersucker pants – it doesn’t mean you have to buy them. A)it’s too early for seersucker and B)it’s trying too hard.

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While I may not like their green seersucker, Vineyard Vines is offering some good ties this year for dressier St. Patrick’s affairs. ($75, http://www.vineyardvines.com).

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If you’re in the market for a long sleeved shirt, this bold green gingham ”Webb” shirt from Jack Robie ($125, http://www.jackrobie.com) has a pattern with the tasteful thickness of Paul Allen’s business card [movie reference only guys will get].

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Or if nothing else, just grab an old green polo from your closet and go meet friends trying to relive the glory days a la Frank the Tank at a packed Irish bar -just don’t get arrested in the process.

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David Hill

David Hill is a ex-pat Southerner currently living in Manhattan whose interests include: watching way too much television, keeping track of all new music and mashups, creating opportunities to daydrink, cyberstalking frenemies, and all manner of seersucker, poplin and madras.

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